ST00P1D THOUGHTS: "THE SIMS 3 IS A LIE! TELL THE PEOPLE!"

INTRODUCTION
 

Oh my god. I think I've finally stumbled upon the truth. After all these years of going about my business just like the rest of you, just like I was raised, keeping my head down, minding my own business, I've finally realized that things are not in fact as they appear. That the the truth of reality is not the truth that is widely known; that, in fact, the truth is very different, and, dear reader, darkly so.

Honestly, I've always suspected that something was amiss. That beneath the graphics card bloom of sunny weekends, quick-hire jobs and bull sessions with the neighbors at 2 AM, there was something shadowy afoot, as if there was some sort of evil puppet master doing unspeakable things to make the seemingly idyllic universe possible. I realize that I suspected this for the large part because we're talking about EA's The Sims 3 here, where the player is God of Digitalworld, which means I'm God of Digital world, and I'm sort of a dick.
 

But when I use words like "amiss" and "afoot" to describe what's going on, I'm not talking about the dickish things I often occasionally do to my Sims. No. My power to manipulate digital fake-lives as I see fit isn't what bothers me (obviously not, or I wouldn't be such a dick). No, what bothers me instead is something far more nuanced, far more secretive, far more sneaky. And this is the realization that the factors that make my overlordship of my Sims possible are not rose petals and puppydog smiles, but are instead the bloodstained tools of the Tyrant's...um...Toolbox.
 

Allow me to open your eyes, as my eyes have now been opened. But be warned, reader: what you learn here cannot be unlearned. And what you learn may alter your reality in such a way as to make any attempt to live even a semblance of your former life utterly impossible. (I.E., your Sims-related shit might get seriously fucked the fuck up.) Only if you are prepared to take this risk should you proceed. (I.E., quaggy Sims fantards need to get off my fucking blog right now, because I don't want to hear your whining.)
 

(Yes, 'quaggy' is a real word. And yes, I used it properly. Now, unless you quaggy shits have anything else to whine about, let's get to the list, shall we?)

 THE TRUTH

1. While the player may indeed be God of the Sims, God's wishes are relayed to the Sims via an invisible Enforcer, who dictates behavioral choices via concise txt messages.

You know exactly what I'm talking about. Select a Sim. Click on the Sim, or an object. And what happens? Up pop several text behavioral options floating around a large representation of the Sim's head. Now, before you pick one, move the mouse around to point at the different options, and watch what the Sim does. Yes, it follows the movement of the mouse with its eyes, even turning its head to see where you're pointing.

What does this mean? This means that, during this instance, your Sim is compelled to pay full attention to what you're about to order it to do. And when you select an option, the Sim dutifully does it. Now, as God, you certainly order your Sim around based on these options. But where do these options come from? And who makes sure each Sim obeys commands? The answer can only be "an invisible Enforcer."

The Enforcer has determined what a Sim is permitted to do, and these options for behavior have been distilled into blunt txt messages, all to make it easier for God to command the Sim, and for the Sim to follow. God selects the behavior, and the Sim MUST OBEY THE WORD OF THE ENFORCER.

But how does the Enforcer compel Sim obedience? On to Point 2.
 

2. The Enforcer maintains control of Digitalworld through the use of invisible secret Sim police that manage all aspects of Digitalworld.
 

True, you'll never see this Enforcer Squad rounding Sims up in unmarked trucks or hassling them on the street. But that's only because the Enforcer Squad is far too sophisticated for that. They've been at this for three games now, over more than ten years, and in that time have learned to control Sims so well that the Sims don't even suspect they're being controlled!
 

For example:
 

To make sure that Sims don't have too much free time in which to cause trouble, the Enforcer Squad manages the economy in such a way that whenever a Sim wants a job, her or she can immediately get one. There is a constant need for more journalists, more athletes, even more petty criminals in Digitalworld. Whatever a Sim wants to do for money, a Sim CAN do for money, and immediately so, and all under the auspices of the Enforcer and his/her squad. How this is possible will be made clear by the end of this revelatory essay.

If a Sim is lonely and having trouble finding a mate, that Sim will find that there is a constant stream of new Sims popping up in public places, seemingly existing entirely for the purpose of satisfying the social needs of other Sims. These new Sims may not even have houses in town, and they may not even have jobs - they're simply at the park or the spa at 1 AM, apparently just waiting for another Sim to approach them.
 
A Sim is tired of cleaning his or her house or repairing damaged goods? No problem - the necessary service is always a simple phone call away, day or night. And while said service-person will only work during the day, they will ALWAYS show up when they say they will, and if they can't, another identically qualified service-person will show up to do the job in their place.
 

Of course, repairs aren't even necessary. Why? Well, a Sim can always buy new goods, regardless of the time of day, from an automated system controlled by God that seems to instantly teleport new objects into the Sim's house, and to the exact specifications the Sim prefers. Electronics, furniture, even pop art - if a Sim desires it, God can instantly provide it through an interface provided by the Enforcer, and apparently managed by the Enforcer Squad. Because the money to pay for the new items is immediately subtracted from the Sim's household funds. This money is either directly paid out of an electronic account, or, more sinisterly, the invisible agents of the Enforcer Squad materialize in the Sim's house and take the money out from under his or her mattress. Hell, perhaps the agent even materializes beside the Sim his or herself, and takes the cash directly out of his or her pocket.
 

And how do the purchased items instantly materialize? Perhaps some sort of teleportation device is used. Or perhaps the invisible agents of the Enforcer deliver the product, somehow transferring it from the interface's ether to the material plane of Digitalworld.

This may sound unbelievable, but hear me out. Interested Sims can choose either the military or law enforcement career track. And when they're working their shift, where do they go? Why, to the appropriate career headquarters. They enter the building, and then SEEMINGLY DISAPPEAR. What? How is this possible? What is going on?
 

It is my theory that, hidden within these buildings, are hundreds if not thousands of sophisticated pod-stations, into which each employed Sim can plug his or herself, Matrix-style. At this point, it is my contention that an avatar of said Sim - possibly composed of astral energy, or the technological equivalent - materializes invisibly in Digitalworld. It is this avatar that then invisibly carries out the will of the Enforcer, as dictated by God.
 

The sophisticated pod-station tends to all the employed Sim's needs during his or her duty shift: the pod feeds the Sim, processes his or her waste, and even allows the Sim to socialize with coworkers who are also plugged in to the pod-station system. All this, while the invisible avatar of the employed Sim takes funds to pay for items bought by other Sims, which are then delivered out of the ether of the shopping interface. During this duty shift, the avatar of the employed Sim can also apparently manage the economy, makes sure each Sim obeys God through the txt commands of Enforcer, and, as will now be discussed, "HANDLE" THE DISOBEDIENT.
 

3. The fate of every Sim in Digitalworld is in the hands of the Enforcer and his/her squad. And these tyrannical powers are not above employing these powers arbitrarily, apparently to control Sims through sheer terror.

These nefarious methods of control do not noticeably affect a Sim household as long as God has deemed the household "Active." If a household is "Active," God and God alone has the right to determine the fate of Sims in that household. But the moment God tires of managing the Sims in said household and deems that household "Inactive," the duty of managing that household and its Sims apparently passes to the Enforcer and his/her invisible agents. And often, the Enforcer determines to disrupt and even destroy these inactive households, in what can only be an attempt to keep all other households in line by way of brutal terrorism.
 

Go ahead. Change a household's status from "Active" to "Inactive," then go back some time later and check the status of that household. Sims it contained while "Active" have suddenly disappeared. Sure, they are still remembered by the remaining members of that household, and may even be communicated with via telephone. Perhaps they can even visit the household if invited. But a deeper look at Digitalworld will show that the "missing" Sims no longer live anywhere on the map. They have been relocated, and to where is only known to the Enforcer and his squad. Sometimes the missing Sim cannot even be contacted - they are listed as "deceased." While they were happy, healthy, obedient and not particularly accident prone during the entire time their household was "Active," as soon as God deemed it "Inactive," they apparently died. Or, probably more accurately, THEY WERE KILLED.

Why? What did said Sim do to warrant this treatment? And why can't even God him or herself move said Sim back into the household, or bring said Sim back to life? It is my contention that all these questions are answered by looking at the methods of the Enforcer, and his/her motivations for these methods.
 

Certainly, some of these Sims in question violated some rule dictated by the Enforcer, and were punished by having their right to live in Digtialworld revoked, or were simply executed. But it seems to me that too many inactive Sims disappear from the map for all of them to be actual undesirables. There is also the matter of the Enforcer allowing the existence of a large criminal syndicate in Digitalworld, which proves that crime itself is not wholly offensive to him/her (at least, when said crimes are committed under the auspices of the Enforcer's permitted syndicate). 

I propose that the Enforcer banishes and kills algorithmically, with Sims targeted for no greater reason than they live in the "Inactive" state.  This is in fact why there are always jobs available - Sims are "removed" from Digitalworld at a constant, steady rate, regardless of their actions. The Enforcer does things this way simply to show the remaining/surviving Sims that the will of the Enforcer is law, regardless of their behavior. Of course their dutiful obedience seems to have no bearing on whether they disappear or not. But the Sims are only human, for godsake, and can do nothing else but hope that, if they are extra obedient, perhaps the Enforcer will look upon them mercifully before dispatching his/her agents to "handle" them if - when - they come up in the "removal" algorithm. The fact that the Enforcer is NOT merciful, that targeted Sims CANNOT be spared, only seems to reinforce the inactive Sims' determination to try harder. Either they don't understand what is going on, or, I fear, they suspect this is the truth, but simply have no other options. The will of the Enforcer truly is law, and all they can do is try their damnedest to follow it as best they are able.

But the Enforcer doesn't maintain fear of his/herself only through various degrees of "removal." All aspects of inactive Sims' lives are in his/her hands. If the Enforcer feels that a certain Sim lacks maturity (or, again, is simply chosen algorithmically), the Sim will be forced to rear a child. Some of these children are apparently adoptees, which Digitalworld seems to have no lack of, possibly because they are orphans of the "removal" of their parents. But other times, the child appears to have the genetic traits of his/her parent/parents. Now, it's entirely possible that, in cases where there are indeed two parents, a baby is conceived by the couple while they are inactive. But even so, this may be dictated by the Enforcer, for the couple may have the child when they are clearly not fiscally or social qualified to do so. Realistically, yes, such things happen accidentally. But knowing what we now know about Digitalworld, how can we exclude the possibility that the Enforcer is somehow involved in this?
 

But there is no doubt that we are seeing the work of the Enforcer in another case: when an inactive Sim ends up with a child that clearly shares his/her genetic traits, despite the fact that said Sim HAS NO SIGNIFICANT OTHER. A check of the newborn Sim's family tree reveals the disturbing truth - they only have one parent. Yes, such is the case when single parents adopt / are forced to adopt a child. But what does it mean when the child in question clearly shares genetic traits with the single parent?

I'll tell you what it means: the agents of the Enforcer are forcibly cloning these people, and then forcing them to raise the clone! There is simply no other explanation. It's possible that, while inactive, the targeted Sims are carried off to the neighborhood Mad Science Facility, and the cloning is done there. Digitalworld allows Sims to choose to become accomplished robot-animal hybrid breeders, so clearly the Enforcer has some sophisticated technology at hand. But I think it's also possible that the Enforcer Squad may be using said technology to produce clones the same way it delivers new goods to Sim households - by producing them in the technological or astral ether, and transferring them, fully-formed, into the material of Digitalworld. This second method would explain how these infant clones appear so quickly after a household is deemed inactive. It may also serve as an alternative source for the vast amount of available adoptees, and perhaps may also explain the origin of all those friendly, homeless Sims appearing in public places. The Enforcer may have an entire cloning facility in the ether, producing babies factory-style to both satisfy and punish the Sims.

And if that's possible, then why stop the mad science there? We all know how difficult cloning is. Maybe the Enforcer's theoretical ether-world breeding facility doesn't just produce clones. Hell, maybe the "clones" aren't clones at all! Maybe they are, in fact, the result of MASS IN VITRO SEXUAL FERTILIZATION! And if so, where does this facility get the cells it requires to produce this number of children? Perhaps these cells are willingly donated by all those Sims employed in the science career track (who are, logically, the very Sims running the breeding facility for the Enforcer, possibly through avatars of their own working in the ether-plane, since they too "disappear" once inside the the appropriate building.)
 

But given the theoretical actions of the Enforcer already discussed, I posit that the cells used in this in vitro breeding program need not be willful donations. No - perhaps another duty of the Enforcer's invisible agents is, terrifying as it is to suggest, FORCIBLE SEX-CELL HARVESTING. Perhaps when agents remove funds from Sims' wallets, they also take something else which is far, FAR more personal.
 

CONCLUSION
 

Clearly, something terrible is going on behind the scenes to make the seemingly idyllic world of The Sims 3 possible. Perhaps I am incorrect about specifics - honestly, I pray I am. The idea that such terrible things are being perpetrated by invisible, malicious digital autocrats, simply so I can be God over a nation of tiny digital people, cuts me to the core. Yes, I certainly enjoy ruling over these people, controlling their lives, frequently occasionally abusing them simply because I can. But that is only because I never suspected how much of a hell they may be forced to live in to make it all possible. If what I suspect is in fact the truth, I don't think I can continue to enjoy playing a deity and still retain my own progressively-minded humanity.
 

Granted, that's less because tiny fake people are being tormented for my amusement, and more because it really fucking pisses me off that the goddamn game fucks around with my carefully-constructed custom households the second I take my eyes off them. I mean, do you know how long it takes me to make pants and hairstyles for these people that compliment the personalities I've also custom-made for them? How hard I work to create just the right number of people per household to make the game challenging but not too hard, and make sure an interesting mix of personalities is there for me to fool around with? And the second I turn my back, poof, "Oh sorry, Mister God, but you clearly don't understand what fun is, let me fix everything for you based on my own arbitrary, unimaginative template, without your persmission"? Goddamn it, game, Enforcer, what-the-fuck-ever! Sims 2 didn't pull this shit! Who the fuck thought this was some kind of improvement??!
 

But...uh...anyway. Now you too know the possible, LIKELY, terrible truth! THE SIMS 3 IS A LIE! TELL THE PEOPLE!

 

SUPERHEROS WHO AREN'T ST00P1D, PART 2

Read Part 1: The Incredible Hulk

Note: These top five are literally that – five Number Ones. I’m only listing them in the order I am because it’s my fucking blog, and I can do whatever the hell I want. So if you’re going to leave a raging fanboy comment, use it to point out how I’m an idiot because I’m not including Midnighter and/or Ka-Zar, instead of hoping I burn in hell because No. 5 should be No. 3 and No. 1 should be No. 4.

No. 5 IS No. 1.  No. 1 IS No. 5.  End of yet-to-happen st00p1d nerd fight.
 

Number 4: Wonder Woman

The Amazons live on the isolated, secret island paradise of Themyscira, where oily, erotic lesbian adventures may or may not happen on a daily basis. Their queen Hippolyta wants a daughter, but this creates a problem, because she also hates penises. So she makes a girl out of clay and has the gods of Greek mythology imbue it with virtues and life, I guess because they owed her one for all those free oily, erotic lesbian adventure shows. Diana grows into the most athletic and beautiful of the Amazons, and is well on her way to inherit her mother’s throne (and possibly associated oily lesbian erotica) when an American pilot fighting in World War II crashes on Themyscira. Hippolyta decides to kill the guy (possibly because he got in the way of an oily, erotic lesbian adventure), but Diana pulls a Pocahontas and offers to escort the penis-wielding intruder back to the “World of Men.” Though her mother is disgusted (what sane person – or god – chooses a road trip over the possibility of an oily, erotic lesbian adventure?), she gives Diana the right to choose. So Diana leaves her island home with Steve Trevor, aboard her invisible, telepathically-controlled airplane, which is either an invention of the Amazon’s magical technology, or the flying horse Pegasus transformed by that magical technology (six of one, half-dozen of the magical other…).

In America she takes on the alias of Diana Prince, puts on a pair of star-spangled panties (or miniskirt, depending on the decade), and joins the fight against the Nazis. When her mother decides to lead the Amazons to another dimension (possibly the Oily, Erotic Lesbian Adventure Dimension), Diana decides to remain in the World of Men and fight crime with her bullet-repelling bracelets and golden Lasso of Truth as Wonder Woman.

Okay, so the concept is stupid. Dr. William M. Marston, inventor of components of the polygraph machine (which apparently qualifies you to write comic books), more or less admitted that he only came up with the character because he didn’t think there was enough BDSM in ’40s comics. He also had the nerve to talk about how “educational” Wonder Woman books were, so he was either the most confused feminist in the world, or actually thought that children needed an illustrated how-to guide on the finer points of the Choke Game and stiletto fetishism.

Even if you agree with him, you have to admit that there is little chance something like this is going to stay popular for 60-plus years, at least not in the mainstream comics market. But Wonder Woman remains one of DC’s top sellers. Why? All I can offer are the two reasons I like her enough to put her on this list. One (and this is bound to get me in trouble, but I’m right, so there’s nothing I can do about it), there just aren’t any other good comic book heroines in the mainstream comics market. Sometimes DC’s Birds of Prey aren’t entirely horrible, but that all depends on which writer makes a fool of himself at the annual DC Christmas party and gets demoted to Oracle duty for the next six months. Please correct me if I’m wrong (though I’m not, so I don’t see how you could, but feel free to try), but other comic book superheroines are either sex-crazed simpletons in constant need of rescuing and ‘post-rescuing’, or unfeeling jerks who vomit token feminism at the least appropriate times, yet keep wearing what amounts to half a bikini because they are very poorly written, usually by middle aged men whose experience with vaginas begins and ends with their mother’s. Yes, Wonder Woman wears panties and a low-cut boob plate, likes kicking men in the face, and gets tied up and slapped around a lot, and all because she was written by a horny fool of a man. But at least she usually rescues herself from the tying, and doesn’t seem to mind when construction workers hoot at her panties, probably because both she and they know that if they ever get too close, she’ll just kick them in the face. Yes, this characterization is about as progressive as Sue Storm wearing a ‘Beck/Palin 2012’ t-shirt at CPAC. But at least it’s actually characterization. Yes, it is also probably entirely accidental. But so was the way in which most of us were conceived, and we still count as people, right? Well, most of us, anyway.

The second reason for Wonder Woman’s enduring popularity is that she IS actually nice to look at. You write a comic about a pretty girl tying men up and kicking them in the bad boys with bright red thigh-high boots, and you have successfully attracted the attention of sighted men the world over, gay or straight. And odd as it seems, women apparently find this appealing too, though I can’t tell if that’s more for the tying and kicking or the boots.

Best Moment: Probably the entire Silver Age. But not just because she fought an ape who turned into a woman but still spoke monkey in Wonder Woman #9. Or because of Wonder Woman #122, where a fish alien from Saturn transformed her into a toddler named Wonder Tot, then forced Wonder Tot to wear a blindfold, and THEN attacked her with a 300 foot robot version of Wonder Woman. Not that that last one isn’t especially awesome, since she still managed to kick the asses of both the giant robot and the fish alien.

But no. The Silver Age was Wonder Woman’s best moment primarily because she had to win against these impossible, crazy odds while also being treated like shit for having a vagina. Apparently sexism wasn’t just a fad back then – it was a goddamn religion, which even managed to convert Superman and Batman. It didn’t matter that Wonder Woman was a pilot, maintained a secret identity with a full-time job, kicked gun-wielding Nazis, and founded the JSA. No, she had the misfortune to be a woman during the Silver Age. So no matter how qualified she was, no matter what she did, when the day’s crime-fighting was done, she was expected to make some guy, somewhere, a sandwich, and be happy about it. And while she didn’t just shrug and do it, she also never acted bitter about it. She could have. She SHOULD have. But she didn’t.

Somehow, Wonder Woman was always classy and cool, no matter how many talking monkeys came after her, and no matter how many men acting like talking monkeys came after her afterwards. She could (and did) rescue Superman and Batman time and again from aliens and robots and alien robots trying to shrink them and keep them in  tiny glass jars. And though they only thanked her by being condescending the entire time and then threatening to spank her, she never held it against them, and it never pissed her off. The next time they got kidnapped, there she’d be again, ready to get them out of trouble while they talked down to her the entire time.

Don’t misread me. I’m not saying I think it’s better for women to keep their mouths shut when men treat them like crap. That’s the exact opposite of what I’m saying. If someone is condescending to someone else on the basis of anything other than the condescendee being a moron, I believe that the condescendee is perfectly justified in popping the condescender in the face. But Wonder Woman never did that, and it seems to me that she didn’t only because SHE KNEW SHE WAS BETTER THAN THE GUYS TALKING DOWN TO HER, INCLUDING OTHER SUPERHEROES. It’s like she didn’t hold it against them any more than you’d hold it against a dog for enjoying the flavor of its own ass. She knew all the guys around her were pitiful, irredeemable idiots, so she was the bigger person and just let it go.

And if you don’t think that kind of unflappable confidence is just as or even more hot than thigh-high red stiletto boots and star-spangled panties, whether you’re male or female, then you should probably go to a doctor and tell him your sex parts are broken. Or go back to Saudi Arabia, you backward pile of st00p1d.

Worst Moment: 2007’s Amazons Attack! miniseries. While the concept is cool – the Amazons with their magical Bronze Age tools and abilities hold their own against the entire modern US military – the story itself is a nonsensical pile of time-waste that turns the Amazons into that half-bikini-wearing bitchy token feminist that hasn’t been compelling since the late ’70s. Wonder Woman’s portrayal is especially annoying here because she barely shows up as a result of being “captured,” and when she finally does make an appearance she’s inexplicably indecisive, basically waiting for Batman to fix everything and point out that the Amazons are actually the bad guys in this case. Like she couldn’t figure that out based on the fact that THEY ATTACKED THE UNITED STATES AND STARTED KILLING CIVILIANS. Okay, to be fair, this was in retaliation for the US government being the group that in fact captured Wonder Woman, to torture her to get information about some super Amazon magic laser that…

...You know what? I think you get the point.