The self-proclaimed Campaign for a Commercial-Free Childhood is one of the few online organizations I know of that not only preaches the radical Evangelicalization of America, it practices it.
No, it doesn't waste its time setting up hospitals or charity drives or family planning counseling or any pussy fag-ball shit like that. Hell no. The CCFC takes it to the hoop the only way whatever it is can effectively be taken to whatever hoop it goes into - email campaigns directed at CEOs who head companies that try to sell their products by advertising to children, so that the children will bother their parents until the parents get so sick of the bullshit that they'll buy whatever the kids want.
While I may not support the politics of this organization, I am certainly in favor of any group that gives me a platform to easily email corporate CEOs with whining. In this particular instance, the CCFC is offended that McDonald's has put Marvel superhero toys in its Happy Meals, and would like me, and you, to whine at McDonald's CEO Jim Skinner until he puts a stop to it.
Why does this offend the CCFC? Given their name, you would assume that they are simply opposed to any advertising directed at children. And maybe that's the core of their offense. But in this instance, there is something more. See, the CCFC is convinced that Mavel superheroes are not only offensively appealing to children, they also promote violence. I'll let the form email from their site explain:
SUBJECT: No Clobberin' Time for Preschoolers
Dear Mr. Skinner,
I am writing to demand that you immediately pull your Marvel comic action figure Happy Meal promotion for preschool boys.
I am appalled that this promotion includes The Human Torch, a man on fire, and The Thing, which menacingly roars “IT’S CLOBBERIN’ TIME!” at the press of a button.
Your decision to hand little boys the horrifying spectacle of a man engulfed in flames or a menacing figure that explicitly spurs them to violence calls into question McDonald’s reputation as a family-friendly company. I urge you to end this promotion immediately.
Thank you.
Now, far be it from me to tamper with the whiny perfection that is this email. But, see, I literally have no choice BUT to tamper with it - the CCFC has enabled editing of the email, so I can put a personal spin on my dissatisfaction with McDonald's child-corrupting shenanigans.
I decided to do a bit of role-playing as I made my additions. Not because I am a jerk who sees this as an opportunity to dick around. Not at all. I simply feel that whining to a CEO will be more effective if he thinks I'm a concerned housewife instead of a pissy DC fanboy crank in my parents' attic. Granted, this is not an entirely honest tactic. But with the impressionable minds of our nation's children at stake, NO SACRIFICE IS TOO GREAT.
What follows is my email to McDonald's CEO Jim Skinner:
SUBJECT: No Clobberin' Time for Preschoolers, if GOD has anything to say about it
Dear Mr. Skinner,
I am writing to demand that you immediately pull your Marvel comic action figure Happy Meal promotion for preschool boys. You see, I am the wife of a man who makes an extremely comfortable living for our family by buying and reselling foreclosed properties, God's blessing to us in the midst of the Recession to reward us for making sure we had a good credit rating. This has enabled me to be the full-time stay-at-home mother Christ wants all women to be, which in turn has given me the ability to pay extraordinarily precise attention (with the help of cellphone GPS trackers and ankle monitors) to everything my children do. While pursing this righteous calling, I came across your underhanded attempt to indoctrinate my children into the heathenish world of secular comic books. And I demand you stop immediately. Your failure to do exactly that will make me feel like less than the stellar mother I know I am, and as I am only such a fantastic homemaker by the grace and will of God, making me feel bad about it is basically you throwing excrement in God's face and laughing. Keep that in mind as you make your decision.
I am appalled that this promotion includes The Human Torch, a man on fire, and The Thing, which menacingly roars “IT’S CLOBBERIN’ TIME!” at the press of a button. There is also some kind of silver guy on a surf board, which is offensive because someone (probably Chinese or Mexican) clearly forgot to paint it at the factory, and this promotes laziness and disrespect for corporate product specifications. I suggest many people be fired over this particular oversight.
And three of the other toys, in brightly colored skin-tight suits and unnatural poses? What is this, the Gay Kamasutra Parade? That SICKENS ME, as it should any other individual redeemed by the Blood of the Lamb. And don't even get me started on the guy with the claws coming out of his knuckles. Maybe that's your idea of promoting cutlery safety in New York City, but out here in the Real America, we know a potential blinding hazard when we see one! This comic book man in question is also dressed and posed for the Gay Kamasutra Parade, and I think I've made my opinion on that whole matter more than clear.
Your decision to hand little boys the horrifying spectacle of a man engulfed in flames or a menacing figure that explicitly spurs them to violence, not to mention encouraging them to play with knives and participate in homosexual fetish parades, calls into question McDonald’s reputation as a family-friendly company. I simply should not have to worry that when my children stop at McDonald's after Wednesday night church, they will be exposed to the vile secular media I work 24 hours a day, 7 days a week to protect them from. I urge you to end this promotion immediately.
Remember: if you don't, you + throwing excrement + God's face.
Thank you in advance for responding positively to the burden placed upon your heart by the righteous conviction of the Holy Spirit, and doing what God has told me to tell you to do. The LORD demands that our children grow up healthy, hard-working and dedicated to his evangelical mission to the Muslim and Secular worlds, and certainly society at large should not do even the littlest thing to compromise this calling.
Because there is only one character with super-powers who deserves the attention of the world's children, and that is Jesus Christ, Our Lord and Savior.
And maybe Batman. Because Marvel chokes a fat one.
If that doesn't take care of business, I don't know what business is!
Thanks again to the CCFC. Together, we can destroy all our intellectual enemies with the blinding fire of Righteousness. TOGETHER.
Seriously, you guys. Get over there and do your part!
